The “marry your best friend” advice

      Ok, so I am 99.9% sure I am not the only one who has heard this advice before. Actually, scratch that, I am 100% sure because my friends have had it said to them before.

It has been 2 months since I have last blogged and a few days ago I asked God to put something on my heart to write about. Within a few hours this popped in my head and I have been stewing over it since. 

       For whatever the reason, humans are able to understand how many things work in this world. We have been able to invent millions of things to help our lives and we are also able to learn and understand words, numbers, formulas, science, abstract ideas, etc. However, when it comes to relationships, it is just too difficult to understand. This is why there is an entire section at Barnes & Noble about relationships because apparently we suck at them and need help from someone we have never met, yet trust to give us advice.

I think today we so desperately want a clear cut and dry way to explain relationships or what to do with them. So someone devised this one-size-fits-all advice for everyone. 

“Marry your best friend”

      Ummm, somehow I don’t think a one-size-fits-all answer is going to work when it comes to who to marry. Now, I know what this advice is really saying. It is saying the person you marry should be your best friend but that is NOT what it is saying.

 

This advice makes it seem like if you are having a tough time deciding if you should marry someone or not, all you have to do is ask yourself, “is this person my best friend?” If the answer is yes, then start picking out a china pattern. 

      I’m going to go out on a limb and say that is not a smart decision. Why? Because just because someone is your “best friend” at the moment, doesn’t mean they should be your life partner. I can say this from personal experience! I was dating someone and he was my best friend! We talked about anything and everything. So the natural conclusion from the “marry your best friend” advice was that we were to get married. 

The fact of the matter is, people come in and out of your life for different reasons and in different seasons. Just because this is the person who is your best friend right now, doesn’t translate to a lifelong commitment. I have seen numerous times people who were in a relationship and broke it off, just to get back together because “they missed the friendship they had”. 

      Again, we need to distinguish friendship from life partner. There are some people who can ONLY be friends and NOTHING more! They tried the more, it didn’t work but they believe the friendship they miss means they should be more. This belief will lead back into another relationship that is not going to lead to the outcome they assume. 

So what should we do? What advice should we be getting?

What my mom told me was this:

Walk the relationship out. Just keep going down the path and if God tells you to stop then there is your answer. If he doesn’t say stop then get married.

I hated this when she said it to me because I wanted to know the end result beforehand so I could save myself the time and effort. However, no matter the outcome we learn valuable lessons we wouldn’t have learned if we hadn’t walked the path. If this relationship is not what God desires for you long term then he WILL bring an end to it.

      My mom also told me to have a question. A personal question that will help me decide if this person is the person I should marry. This is not easy to do and no one can help you with it. You have to look at yourself and try to examine what is most important to you. This question has to be specific enough to only be able to be answered ‘yes’ by one person. 

I was able to find a question for me (and no I am not saying). I challenge you to come up with a question for yourself. Maybe it will come immediately and maybe it will take some time but it makes it personal, not a one-size-fits-all answer. 

       In the end, your life partner will end up being your best friend. BUT your best friend doesn’t mean your life partner. The only way to tell the difference is walking the path of a relationship and having your question in hand!

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.     ~ Song of Solomon 2:7

Do two walk together
    unless they have agreed to do so?    ~ Amos 3:3

You know...that other guy...the enemy

In the church today I feel the focus is mostly on who God is, who Jesus is, how we should follow them and how we should live. And although these are wonderful things to preach on and hear about, I feel there is a very important topic the church has mostly neglected to talk about- and that would be Satan.

Spiritual battles are real. I know in our cozy, American life that doesn’t seem like a reality. Our lives are pretty great in comparison and we haven’t encountered mega disasters. However, in other parts of the world spiritual battles are very real. Just think about all the unrest in many of the Middle Eastern countries today. In America, we see things like that on the news and we can think… “How can God be good when things are so bad?” “Where is God in all of this?” 

Some will answer by saying “Well, people sin” or “Satan is at work, they need Jesus” very nonchalantly! I don’t think Satan should be something we should take nonchalantly! I know we have a tendency to separate ourselves from what is happening in other countries. It is hard to make it part of your reality when it is not near you. However, Sin is everywhere! And Satan is at work. He is fully present in America and in each of our lives….even though the effects of his efforts are not as obvious! 

There is always a spiritual battle going on! The war against “good and evil” is constant and the war is personal. God wants you….but so does Satan. God knows you….but so does Satan. It says in 2 Corinthians 11:14 – “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light”.  He is deceptive and knows your weaknesses. Satan can play you effortlessly and you have no idea you are being played with. 

When things are going great in our life, often times we don’t acknowledge God in it. However, when things are going badly, we see that as God “punishing” us. “Obviously I have upset God and he is making me pay.” Why are we so quick to neglect the reality of Satan? God is for us, not against us. All good things come from the Lord. He never brings us harm. Any trial we experience in life is not from God, it is from the effects of sin and Satan. However…God will use those trials to make you better, shape you into who he wants you to be and ultimately bring him glory. 

We have to be especially careful in life when things don’t turn out exactly how we planned. We can be very tempted to say “oh well I guess it wasn’t what God had planned.” That may be true, but another possible explanation is that Satan has found his way into that situation and used his tricks to tear down or detour what God was doing. Satan’s goal is to get us off course and cause separation. Of course, any success he has is short termed. God is ultimately in control and will get his way. See Satan will win the battle but he won’t win the war. So be extremely careful not to give up or assume it wasn’t meant to be. 

I think it is time we wake up and open our eyes to the reality that there is a REAL, CREATED BEING who is evil, manipulative, sly, full of darkness, hatred and who wants nothing more than to steal, kill and destroy us. He is the father of lies and leads an army of demons. We do have God’s promise that he will protect us and that he has plans for us that are good and not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). But don’t forget that there is still a man whose wicked ways impact our lives.

A Father's Sacrifice

In the wake of Father's Day I would like to take the time to really think about the type of Father God is. We just took the time to show our Father's appreciation for all the hard work and sacrifice they have made for us throughout the years. These sacrifices are just a small glimpse of the sacrifices God has made.

Ever wonder how big of a sacrifice Jesus was?

Imagine this…..

You were in a perfect relationship with someone. It was the best ever, nothing was wrong, it was bliss. It was so amazing our minds can’t even comprehend the perfection.

Now imagine, the person you were in the relationship with, walked out. They thought they could find or do better than the perfection they had. So they strayed away and went down a path of destruction, not even giving you a single thought. 

So here you are, alone and hurting from the perfect relationship that is gone. But despite how much it hurts, how easy it would be to be angry and swear them off, you decide you want them back no matter what wrong they have done and how much hurt they caused. You want that perfection back and would do anything to get it. The love you have, never left. 

This is an example of the relationship we had with God.

Now imagine you have a son, and if you do have a son, then this is simple. He is your pride and joy, he is your life. You would do anything for him and anything to protect him. But the only way to restore that broken relationship you so desperately want fixed is for your son to be sacrificed, to die. 

Many of you reading this are Christians and this all sounds so common and blah, blah, blah, heard it before. You may have heard of it, but have you actually thought about it and marinated on it? Have you let it soak in? You have ONE son….just one. He is EVERYTHING to you! There is no one else to protect him. Just you and him. No one in their right mind would sacrifice their son just to be in a relationship with someone they love. It is ludicrous! If a father would do that, then he is a horrible horrible father! Right? Well in this world yes, but not to God. 

So let’s say you do, in fact, end up sacrificing your son for this person. It was the hardest, most gut wrenching thing you have ever had to do. But it was done and now you can have that relationship back. So you go to this person, who you just made the biggest sacrifice for, to tell them what you had done for them. Imagine this is their response….

                “Oh wow I am so sorry to hear that. I know you really cared about that kid. He did a lot of great things, but I am sure there will be others just like him.”

Apparently, this person is not understanding what you have done for them! Here is the next exchange:

                You: “What, no there won’t be anyone else like him. He was my son! The one and only!”

                Them: “Well you see, that’s the thing, I don’t believe he was you son. I think he was a great kid who did some wonderful things. I think you cared about him greatly. But him being your son? No.”

Even just reading this, your blood should be boiling. Someone saying your son is not your son is probably the biggest insult a father could get! Since this person does not believe he was your son, then of course they are not going to recognize the magnitude of the sacrifice that was made for them!  Nor will they see it as a sacrifice at all. 

So here are the two things we get from this person’s response:

1.       They don’t believe he was your son

2.       Your ULTIMATE sacrifice, you gave to be in a relationship with them again, is going unnoticed.

Your perfect, sweet, pride and joy, your world, your everything was given up for them, for love, and they don’t see it, don’t care or choose to be apathetic about it. What a huge slap in the face!!

All you want is for that person to recognize what you did for them. That is all you want. For them to see how big of a sacrifice you made for them. Is that too much to ask??

Imagine this exchange:

                You: “All you have to do is believe my son was sacrificed for you and we could be together again!”

                Them: “Well, there has to be another way, because like I said, I don’t believe that was your son.”

                You: “No! He was my son and there is no other way! What more could I give than my own son?”

                Them: “How about this, I will just do good things for you. I will live right and try to make up for the bad things I have done and the hurt I have caused. Deal?”

                You: “No, no deal! You think doing good things is going to make up for the sacrifice OF MY SON?”

                Them: “Well yeah….”

                You: “No. My son and I are a packaged deal! You can’t have one without the other. So unless you see my son….you won’t see me!”

Again….what a huge insult. It is clear this person has no idea what you gave up for them and then they tried to bargain their way back into your life. 

This is the picture of the love of God and the purpose of Jesus.

We were in that perfect relationship with God and we walked away. But instead of God writing us off forever, he loved us enough and wanted us enough to make the ultimate sacrifice. To give up his son by death, so we could have that relationship back. And better yet, once we have it back, it can never be taken away or lost. 

All God wants us to do is recognize the price he paid for us.

The Missing Bible Verse

Ladies (and gents), how many times have you been in church and you have heard…

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? ~ 2 Corinthians 6:14

Most of the time we hear this verse in the context of dating relationships. However it does not say that specifically. In fact this verse and those that follow are a warning against idolatry. I don’t think this verse is saying to physically separate ourselves for those who aren’t believers. I mean, why would the Bible be saying this when it has also instructed us to befriend those who are lost and to fulfill the great commission!? I believe this verse it pointing to a spiritual separation. We should make sure that we clearly set our hearts and lives on Christ. We should not entertain the thoughts and beliefs of unbelievers.

So, I don’t think that we should always connect this verse with dating relationships. Of course, it is wise to be in a romantic relationship with those who have the same beliefs however this verse is more than that. 

Now, there is a verse that seems to have been forgotten. Have any of you been told this verse?...

¹ Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ² when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. ~ 1 Peter 3: 1-2

What does this say? Unlike the 2 Corinthians verse, this verse is saying that a believer can be married to an unbeliever but she (in this verse) should make sure that she is an example of Christ so her husband can witness it and he could be “won over”. PLEASE NOTE THE ‘MAY BE’ that is put before this!! The Bible is not giving you a guarantee that your behavior will be enough to change him! NEVER EXPECT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CHANGE HIM! 

In all honesty, I think this verse should be used to describe a situation in which both husband and wife we not believers when they were first married but the wife ended up accepting Christ within the marriage. In this instance, she is not to leave her husband but she is to be an example of Christ so her husband can witness that. 

Ultimately, if you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, you should not commit yourself in the bonds of marriage to someone who does not have the same belief.

Those Annoying Ducks!

Ok, so this has been on my mind for a while now.

Topic: Men needing to have everything figured out.

Now I know that many men grew up with the idea that they need to be a man. Now what is considered a man differs from guy to guy. It stems from your family of origin; how you were raised. What was your father (or other male role model) like? How did he act? What did he teach you? What is a man to him? All of these impact your beliefs and definition of what a man is.

I am sure many of you have seen those pictures on Facebook about ‘what a real man is’ and you can clearly tell it was written by a girl. I have to tell you, this really really annoys me! What business does a girl have saying what a ‘real’ man is? She has her definition of what a real man is, but that is her female perception, not a man’s definition. I think the experts should be the one to give the definition…that being the guys! Ok, off that soapbox…

If you were to ask what qualities a real man has, the main answers you will get are most likely: provider and protector. I believe the most pressure on men comes from being the provider. How many times have you seen a guy interested in a girl and questions about how he is going to provide for her come up?? You may hear people say: “You can’t propose or get married until you have figured out what you are going to do.” Most fathers won’t consent to giving his daughter to you until you have a plan of how you will provide! Although having a plan on how you are going to survive is not a bad thing, the bad thing comes when the guys believe it is all up to them to have everything figured out. I guess many have forgotten that a relationship/marriage is a partnership!

Now….here is the kicker….

GIRLS DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT!!!

In fact, we may prefer you not have everything figured out. Why? Because it means you have “figured things out” without us. If you tried to get all your ducks in a row by yourself, we will come along and switch the order. You will be trying to fit us in the plan and path you have developed, which is all about you, not about both of you. A relationship is about both of you coming together and forming your own path, not trying to get the other person to fit into your path!

Here is another kicker….

YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW FOR US TO LOVE YOU!

Part of the fun and adventure is coming together and trying to reign in those ducks! Girls want to join in on that! We will love you regardless of if you have everything figured out. Many guys feel like they can’t pursue or commit until they are secure and able to provide. Although this is true to some extent, I believe guys now a days have taken that idea to the extreme. “The I-have-to-make-something-of-myself-first excuse doesn’t fly. I have heard many guys tell girls that they want to be able to give her everything she wants. That he should be able to provide so much that she should have the option to not work if she wanted to. It really is a sweet and thoughtful notion for the man to be fully established, give her everything she wants, she will never want for anything and be able to provide her the luxury of not working…..however it is not necessary….or realistic.

Don’t get me wrong. It is essential to have an idea of how you will survive but you don’t need to have EVERYTHING figured out. If you wait until you have those ducks in a row….you will be waiting forever! Life is always changing and you will NEVER have it all together. If only those annoying ducks would just stay in line....

And let me just say this…If a girl truly loves you, then you having things “figured out” won’t matter to her. As extreme as it sounds, a girl would live under a bridge, in less than ideal conditions for the one she loves! Casting Crowns said it best: “They used to say that whoever died with the most toys wins, but if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end? I’ll take a shack on a rock, over a castle in the sand!”

Men, this is not just our girl perception. This has a biblical component to it. Did God say that we have to be perfect before we can come to him? Does the Bible say we have to work to the perfect standard before God will love us? No! Absolutely not! God loves us even when we aren’t perfect! He didn’t wait around for us to get everything right. He sent his son to die for us while we were still sinners and against him! (Romans 5:8). Love doesn’t require perfection!

However, love requires sacrifice! Christ said to people, “Pick up your cross and follow me”. Leave everything you know behind and come with me! Guys…this is a sacrifice, and this is what a girl does when she marries you.

So guys, you don’t have to have everything figured out, or have made something of yourself, or have those ducks in line for us to love you or commit to you! We know you want to be the man and provide for us. That you don’t want us to have to sacrifice things to be with you. But guys, love requires sacrifice! Jesus was the sacrifice! You have to allow us to sacrifice for you if we want to.

I have heard many guys say: “I would never ask you to (sacrifice) for me.”

Guys, many times you aren’t asking….we are offering. It is something we want to do.

Bottom line: Guys, you don’t have to have everything figured out for us to love you. There is no pressure. Just be who you want to be, work hard to become that and don’t worry about us girls. We want to be involved in the process with you. Going through tough times brings people closer together. It is a chance to get to know one another. Don’t waste these precious moments you have trying to do it all on your own. We can figure things out together. It will require sacrifice for both parties, but that is ok, that is how it is meant to be!

What is love?

We have all heard the infamous Bible verse, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Have any of us taken the time to really analyze what this is saying??

I have seen many relationships that look good on the outside but really are nowhere close to this. And if the relationship does not model this, then no matter how “great” it is….lemme tell ya….it really isn’t great.

Now of course we are all sinful and fall short of this standard. However, I find that having a pure motive in a relationship will keep you closer to this design. It can be hard to make sure you are pursuing a relationship with pure motive, however it is even harder to know if the person you are prospectively dating has a pure motive.

First off, it is best to not just jump head first into a relationship without knowing what you are getting into. Just like with a pool, we need to know how deep the water is. If we try to dive head first into a pool that is 3 feet deep, you will most likely end up in the hospital with severe injuries. On the flipside, if we jump into a pool we thought was 5 feet (where we could safely swim but still touch the ground) but in reality it is 12 feet deep, we will be treading, trying to stay alive.

Getting to know someone platonically I believe is one of the best things you can do. Just spend some time getting to know one another. Spending some time asking questions both minor and major is good. This is something I did with a relationship I was in. Before we ever started dating, we would spend time thinking of questions to ask, then share every night or every other night. When you have both gotten a good sense of who the person is and you are truly considering dating the person you need to PRAY!!! and I cannot stress this enough.

Although it is “old-fashioned” I believe the guy should be the one to make the first move toward dating. LADIES!: If a guy wants to date you then he will tell you!! There should be no doubt in your mind that this guy has thought about it, prayed about it, and wants to date you! If the guy is not moving forward and still keeping you in the “friend phase” then there is your answer. I have seen guys drag their feet and keep the girl waiting and that is 1) not considerate of your heart and emotions and 2) A sign he has some issues he needs to deal with. I have also seen guys keep the girl in the friend zone until another guy comes along and shows interest.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times when a guy needs a wake up call. However, if he has been dragging his feet for many months then all of a sudden he wants to be with you…..he really doesn’t want to be with you, he just doesn’t want things to change.

So lets get honest….no one wants to make the wrong decision. Most of us, when faced between having to choose, will stand still hoping it will all magically become obvious to us. Unfortunately, life does not exactly work like that. Sometimes the right decision isn’t obvious. Sometimes the right thing is the unknown or something you have to take a chance for. Again, most of us operate out of fear and won’t take that chance to find out. We never know what the outcome is going to be, but we need to have the courage to find out.

I have been through this and it is not easy! When in a relationship, you start to develop a pattern and it becomes comfortable. And many of us don’t want to sacrifice that comfort for something that is not a guarantee. If we remain in a relationship because it is comfortable and familiar, 1) we are missing out on what the Lord could really have planned for us and 2) it is selfish and self-seeking. Which is not the design the Lord has given us!

Love (true love, Biblical love) does not keep records of wrongs. This is the hardest thing for a girl to control. The Lord’s blessing of an amazing memory of everything a guy has done and said is all of a sudden useless. Women like to get historical and bring up all the things the guy has done wrong. But this is not honoring to God or showing grace and forgiveness to the other person (whom we claim to love).

You are not perfect and your man isn’t going to be perfect either. There are going to be things he has done wrong and will do wrong. But love is also patient and kind. We should be understanding of their faults. We should EXPECT that our significant other is going to come with baggage. And let me make one thing clear: PAST MISTAKES SHOULD NOT BE HELD OVER THE OTHER PERSON’S HEAD!!! Of course we should be cautious if their previous actions are harmful, self destructive, and lack proper judgment. However, we need to realize that the past does not necessarily define who the person is now. We have all made bad choices and have changed our habits because of them.

Love protects! If a guy does not treasure and protect your heart above and beyond anything then you need to run as fast as you can! The next most important thing next to your heart is your mind. Our mind is a powerful tool but is very sensitive and open to manipulation. Unfortunately it is easy for a guy to play with our mind. I have seen this happen one too many times: The guy has a girl in the fiend zone, then gets threatened by another guy’s interest in her. The first guy then jumps into action, professing feelings to make sure she does not give much notice to the new guy. The girl will then think “oh wow, he really cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me, he is so great!” The first guy will also say things to elevate himself and belittle the new guy; saying about how he is so much better and the other guy could never love her as much.

RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!! This guy is all about control and is psychologically manipulating you! He is not protecting your heart or your mind. He is only looking out for himself rather than caring for you.

Although it is hard to be objective when you are in the relationship, we have to be. We need to take a step back, so we can make the best decision. I didn’t realize all the things “wrong” in my relationship until I was out of it. Many of you have been through this before and have experienced the “What was I thinking?” question. “Why didn’t I see that?” is also a common question.

LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!!! If your friends are seeing things you don’t see, then you definitely need to step back and hear them out. Of course this is hard because we don’t want to think anything is wrong. We will get defensive and not want to see it. We will convince ourselves our friends don’t know what they are talking about because they aren’t in the relationship.

Well that’s the point. They are able to see things you can’t, they can be objective and emotionless while you can’t. Your friends may be completely wrong, but you need to hear them out. If not, you may regret not listening in the end.

So what is love? It is exactly what 1 Corinthians says. Patient, kind, not envious, does not keep record of wrongs, it is not self seeking, proud, boast or angry. It preserves, trust, hopes, it never fails! It delights in TRUTH!! If someone (friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, family) can’t tell you the truth, then they don’t love you. Even though the truth can be hard to hear, the truth is a sign of love!

Marinate on that!