Those Annoying Ducks!

Ok, so this has been on my mind for a while now.

Topic: Men needing to have everything figured out.

Now I know that many men grew up with the idea that they need to be a man. Now what is considered a man differs from guy to guy. It stems from your family of origin; how you were raised. What was your father (or other male role model) like? How did he act? What did he teach you? What is a man to him? All of these impact your beliefs and definition of what a man is.

I am sure many of you have seen those pictures on Facebook about ‘what a real man is’ and you can clearly tell it was written by a girl. I have to tell you, this really really annoys me! What business does a girl have saying what a ‘real’ man is? She has her definition of what a real man is, but that is her female perception, not a man’s definition. I think the experts should be the one to give the definition…that being the guys! Ok, off that soapbox…

If you were to ask what qualities a real man has, the main answers you will get are most likely: provider and protector. I believe the most pressure on men comes from being the provider. How many times have you seen a guy interested in a girl and questions about how he is going to provide for her come up?? You may hear people say: “You can’t propose or get married until you have figured out what you are going to do.” Most fathers won’t consent to giving his daughter to you until you have a plan of how you will provide! Although having a plan on how you are going to survive is not a bad thing, the bad thing comes when the guys believe it is all up to them to have everything figured out. I guess many have forgotten that a relationship/marriage is a partnership!

Now….here is the kicker….

GIRLS DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT!!!

In fact, we may prefer you not have everything figured out. Why? Because it means you have “figured things out” without us. If you tried to get all your ducks in a row by yourself, we will come along and switch the order. You will be trying to fit us in the plan and path you have developed, which is all about you, not about both of you. A relationship is about both of you coming together and forming your own path, not trying to get the other person to fit into your path!

Here is another kicker….

YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW FOR US TO LOVE YOU!

Part of the fun and adventure is coming together and trying to reign in those ducks! Girls want to join in on that! We will love you regardless of if you have everything figured out. Many guys feel like they can’t pursue or commit until they are secure and able to provide. Although this is true to some extent, I believe guys now a days have taken that idea to the extreme. “The I-have-to-make-something-of-myself-first excuse doesn’t fly. I have heard many guys tell girls that they want to be able to give her everything she wants. That he should be able to provide so much that she should have the option to not work if she wanted to. It really is a sweet and thoughtful notion for the man to be fully established, give her everything she wants, she will never want for anything and be able to provide her the luxury of not working…..however it is not necessary….or realistic.

Don’t get me wrong. It is essential to have an idea of how you will survive but you don’t need to have EVERYTHING figured out. If you wait until you have those ducks in a row….you will be waiting forever! Life is always changing and you will NEVER have it all together. If only those annoying ducks would just stay in line....

And let me just say this…If a girl truly loves you, then you having things “figured out” won’t matter to her. As extreme as it sounds, a girl would live under a bridge, in less than ideal conditions for the one she loves! Casting Crowns said it best: “They used to say that whoever died with the most toys wins, but if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end? I’ll take a shack on a rock, over a castle in the sand!”

Men, this is not just our girl perception. This has a biblical component to it. Did God say that we have to be perfect before we can come to him? Does the Bible say we have to work to the perfect standard before God will love us? No! Absolutely not! God loves us even when we aren’t perfect! He didn’t wait around for us to get everything right. He sent his son to die for us while we were still sinners and against him! (Romans 5:8). Love doesn’t require perfection!

However, love requires sacrifice! Christ said to people, “Pick up your cross and follow me”. Leave everything you know behind and come with me! Guys…this is a sacrifice, and this is what a girl does when she marries you.

So guys, you don’t have to have everything figured out, or have made something of yourself, or have those ducks in line for us to love you or commit to you! We know you want to be the man and provide for us. That you don’t want us to have to sacrifice things to be with you. But guys, love requires sacrifice! Jesus was the sacrifice! You have to allow us to sacrifice for you if we want to.

I have heard many guys say: “I would never ask you to (sacrifice) for me.”

Guys, many times you aren’t asking….we are offering. It is something we want to do.

Bottom line: Guys, you don’t have to have everything figured out for us to love you. There is no pressure. Just be who you want to be, work hard to become that and don’t worry about us girls. We want to be involved in the process with you. Going through tough times brings people closer together. It is a chance to get to know one another. Don’t waste these precious moments you have trying to do it all on your own. We can figure things out together. It will require sacrifice for both parties, but that is ok, that is how it is meant to be!

What is love?

We have all heard the infamous Bible verse, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Have any of us taken the time to really analyze what this is saying??

I have seen many relationships that look good on the outside but really are nowhere close to this. And if the relationship does not model this, then no matter how “great” it is….lemme tell ya….it really isn’t great.

Now of course we are all sinful and fall short of this standard. However, I find that having a pure motive in a relationship will keep you closer to this design. It can be hard to make sure you are pursuing a relationship with pure motive, however it is even harder to know if the person you are prospectively dating has a pure motive.

First off, it is best to not just jump head first into a relationship without knowing what you are getting into. Just like with a pool, we need to know how deep the water is. If we try to dive head first into a pool that is 3 feet deep, you will most likely end up in the hospital with severe injuries. On the flipside, if we jump into a pool we thought was 5 feet (where we could safely swim but still touch the ground) but in reality it is 12 feet deep, we will be treading, trying to stay alive.

Getting to know someone platonically I believe is one of the best things you can do. Just spend some time getting to know one another. Spending some time asking questions both minor and major is good. This is something I did with a relationship I was in. Before we ever started dating, we would spend time thinking of questions to ask, then share every night or every other night. When you have both gotten a good sense of who the person is and you are truly considering dating the person you need to PRAY!!! and I cannot stress this enough.

Although it is “old-fashioned” I believe the guy should be the one to make the first move toward dating. LADIES!: If a guy wants to date you then he will tell you!! There should be no doubt in your mind that this guy has thought about it, prayed about it, and wants to date you! If the guy is not moving forward and still keeping you in the “friend phase” then there is your answer. I have seen guys drag their feet and keep the girl waiting and that is 1) not considerate of your heart and emotions and 2) A sign he has some issues he needs to deal with. I have also seen guys keep the girl in the friend zone until another guy comes along and shows interest.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times when a guy needs a wake up call. However, if he has been dragging his feet for many months then all of a sudden he wants to be with you…..he really doesn’t want to be with you, he just doesn’t want things to change.

So lets get honest….no one wants to make the wrong decision. Most of us, when faced between having to choose, will stand still hoping it will all magically become obvious to us. Unfortunately, life does not exactly work like that. Sometimes the right decision isn’t obvious. Sometimes the right thing is the unknown or something you have to take a chance for. Again, most of us operate out of fear and won’t take that chance to find out. We never know what the outcome is going to be, but we need to have the courage to find out.

I have been through this and it is not easy! When in a relationship, you start to develop a pattern and it becomes comfortable. And many of us don’t want to sacrifice that comfort for something that is not a guarantee. If we remain in a relationship because it is comfortable and familiar, 1) we are missing out on what the Lord could really have planned for us and 2) it is selfish and self-seeking. Which is not the design the Lord has given us!

Love (true love, Biblical love) does not keep records of wrongs. This is the hardest thing for a girl to control. The Lord’s blessing of an amazing memory of everything a guy has done and said is all of a sudden useless. Women like to get historical and bring up all the things the guy has done wrong. But this is not honoring to God or showing grace and forgiveness to the other person (whom we claim to love).

You are not perfect and your man isn’t going to be perfect either. There are going to be things he has done wrong and will do wrong. But love is also patient and kind. We should be understanding of their faults. We should EXPECT that our significant other is going to come with baggage. And let me make one thing clear: PAST MISTAKES SHOULD NOT BE HELD OVER THE OTHER PERSON’S HEAD!!! Of course we should be cautious if their previous actions are harmful, self destructive, and lack proper judgment. However, we need to realize that the past does not necessarily define who the person is now. We have all made bad choices and have changed our habits because of them.

Love protects! If a guy does not treasure and protect your heart above and beyond anything then you need to run as fast as you can! The next most important thing next to your heart is your mind. Our mind is a powerful tool but is very sensitive and open to manipulation. Unfortunately it is easy for a guy to play with our mind. I have seen this happen one too many times: The guy has a girl in the fiend zone, then gets threatened by another guy’s interest in her. The first guy then jumps into action, professing feelings to make sure she does not give much notice to the new guy. The girl will then think “oh wow, he really cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me, he is so great!” The first guy will also say things to elevate himself and belittle the new guy; saying about how he is so much better and the other guy could never love her as much.

RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!! This guy is all about control and is psychologically manipulating you! He is not protecting your heart or your mind. He is only looking out for himself rather than caring for you.

Although it is hard to be objective when you are in the relationship, we have to be. We need to take a step back, so we can make the best decision. I didn’t realize all the things “wrong” in my relationship until I was out of it. Many of you have been through this before and have experienced the “What was I thinking?” question. “Why didn’t I see that?” is also a common question.

LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!!! If your friends are seeing things you don’t see, then you definitely need to step back and hear them out. Of course this is hard because we don’t want to think anything is wrong. We will get defensive and not want to see it. We will convince ourselves our friends don’t know what they are talking about because they aren’t in the relationship.

Well that’s the point. They are able to see things you can’t, they can be objective and emotionless while you can’t. Your friends may be completely wrong, but you need to hear them out. If not, you may regret not listening in the end.

So what is love? It is exactly what 1 Corinthians says. Patient, kind, not envious, does not keep record of wrongs, it is not self seeking, proud, boast or angry. It preserves, trust, hopes, it never fails! It delights in TRUTH!! If someone (friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, family) can’t tell you the truth, then they don’t love you. Even though the truth can be hard to hear, the truth is a sign of love!

Marinate on that!