The “marry your best friend” advice

      Ok, so I am 99.9% sure I am not the only one who has heard this advice before. Actually, scratch that, I am 100% sure because my friends have had it said to them before.

It has been 2 months since I have last blogged and a few days ago I asked God to put something on my heart to write about. Within a few hours this popped in my head and I have been stewing over it since. 

       For whatever the reason, humans are able to understand how many things work in this world. We have been able to invent millions of things to help our lives and we are also able to learn and understand words, numbers, formulas, science, abstract ideas, etc. However, when it comes to relationships, it is just too difficult to understand. This is why there is an entire section at Barnes & Noble about relationships because apparently we suck at them and need help from someone we have never met, yet trust to give us advice.

I think today we so desperately want a clear cut and dry way to explain relationships or what to do with them. So someone devised this one-size-fits-all advice for everyone. 

“Marry your best friend”

      Ummm, somehow I don’t think a one-size-fits-all answer is going to work when it comes to who to marry. Now, I know what this advice is really saying. It is saying the person you marry should be your best friend but that is NOT what it is saying.

 

This advice makes it seem like if you are having a tough time deciding if you should marry someone or not, all you have to do is ask yourself, “is this person my best friend?” If the answer is yes, then start picking out a china pattern. 

      I’m going to go out on a limb and say that is not a smart decision. Why? Because just because someone is your “best friend” at the moment, doesn’t mean they should be your life partner. I can say this from personal experience! I was dating someone and he was my best friend! We talked about anything and everything. So the natural conclusion from the “marry your best friend” advice was that we were to get married. 

The fact of the matter is, people come in and out of your life for different reasons and in different seasons. Just because this is the person who is your best friend right now, doesn’t translate to a lifelong commitment. I have seen numerous times people who were in a relationship and broke it off, just to get back together because “they missed the friendship they had”. 

      Again, we need to distinguish friendship from life partner. There are some people who can ONLY be friends and NOTHING more! They tried the more, it didn’t work but they believe the friendship they miss means they should be more. This belief will lead back into another relationship that is not going to lead to the outcome they assume. 

So what should we do? What advice should we be getting?

What my mom told me was this:

Walk the relationship out. Just keep going down the path and if God tells you to stop then there is your answer. If he doesn’t say stop then get married.

I hated this when she said it to me because I wanted to know the end result beforehand so I could save myself the time and effort. However, no matter the outcome we learn valuable lessons we wouldn’t have learned if we hadn’t walked the path. If this relationship is not what God desires for you long term then he WILL bring an end to it.

      My mom also told me to have a question. A personal question that will help me decide if this person is the person I should marry. This is not easy to do and no one can help you with it. You have to look at yourself and try to examine what is most important to you. This question has to be specific enough to only be able to be answered ‘yes’ by one person. 

I was able to find a question for me (and no I am not saying). I challenge you to come up with a question for yourself. Maybe it will come immediately and maybe it will take some time but it makes it personal, not a one-size-fits-all answer. 

       In the end, your life partner will end up being your best friend. BUT your best friend doesn’t mean your life partner. The only way to tell the difference is walking the path of a relationship and having your question in hand!

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.     ~ Song of Solomon 2:7

Do two walk together
    unless they have agreed to do so?    ~ Amos 3:3